Have Cheap Luggage, Will Travel

I ventured outside of my bubble last night. A close friend invited me to a birthday party out on the town. Just to be clear when I say out on the town, I mean we went to a club, some boys in our group almost got into a fist fight with the bouncer and dudes were coming at me all night with the “Hey, girl - Let me get that number,” stuff that never works. It was interesting.

People just don’t realize how much of their emptiness they wear on the outside with no subtlety to it. Their screams of “Look at me!” and “I am special and unique!” are almost audible and play out in barely covered breasts and indoor sunglasses.

I look at all that and remember myself playing that same role of an “empty on the inside/ will take any kind of attention you give me” girl looking for anything to fill that emptiness and my heart breaks for these people that don’t know I can hear their screams because I understand.

Life is different for me now. I think I am starting to discover my purpose and that emptiness in me is disappearing. If you know me at all these days, you know that rediscovering my God has changed everything for me. The funny thing is that I can look back on my life and see where God was always around just waiting for me to get to the end of myself and try something different.

All that to say, I’m not any better than the people that I met last night who are still searching for stuff to fill their holes – I’m just lucky because the distance between us both is much smaller that you would think.

Last night did not leave me with annoyance but I left with a broken heart from the empty hearts I met. I also have a renewed desire to be around people like that more because maybe they can hear my story and hear hope.

My friend Jennifer has had an introspective week and I think that it is rubbing off on me.

Oh, praise the one who paid my debt and raised this life up from the dead

We sang a song at church this week and the lyrics from the song have kept rolling around in my head long after I left. I love that song more than others because I really understand how close I was to death in my life.

My death was going to be an active one. I wasn’t really going to die you see, I was well on my way to living a life without life. An empty loveless shell of a thing devoid of purpose and direction.

Death to me is being comfortable. You don’t often hear somebody tell their story of hitting rock bottom and them not wondering if there is more to this life than just living and dying. Traumatic circumstances usually produce action. Also, you often hear people talk about having everything they want in the world, finding it unsatisfying and looking for something more. I was headed for a life in between.

Having just enough money to live in the suburbs, drive a moderate car, have a moderate marriage and kids that don’t get in too much trouble is mind numbing. You have enough to keep you from getting desperate but not enough to let you know that the stuff you seek will not fulfill the longing in your heart.

I pray all of the time for God to keep me uncomfortable because it will keep me looking outside of this place for my fulfillment. That is no small thing to pray and it makes me nervous to ask that of God. Just read the book of Job.

I’ve said this before but it is important enough to repeat. I was very much seeking a path that would have led me to the death I described above. I was not looking to find a real God in that life but he was looking for me.

There is a death that is much worse that simply not breathing anymore and it wants us. But the creator of the universe wants me more and that is all that matters.

“Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you.” Psalm 63:3

I consider myself an intelligent person and not easily swayed to become a “joiner” based on group think - except for my ipod purchase - but for some reason I found myself signed up to run in the Susan G. Komen 5K with several of my co-workers.

Let me preface this by telling you that I am not a runner. I only occasionally work out and running ain’t part of the routine. So, I am not sure what I was thinking.

Several of my friends at work had been talking about their recent experience running a ½ marathon and how great it made them feel. It did peak my interest. Now, I only had a month and my intelligence tells me that starting from 0 and working up to running a 5K in a month will be very hard but I confess I wanted to be a joiner. Let me explain why.

I have gone to cheer on friends of mine at races before and if you have never been, I recommend it. There is a whole underground community of runners that know each other and even if you don’t know anybody, there is still the mutual bond of having just ran the race together. Also, the sponsors are usually shelling out all kinds of free goodies in a very festival type atmosphere. When you are there, it is very intoxicating and I admit that I wanted to be a part of that.

So race day kept getting closer and only one thought kept coming up in my mind. What was I thinking? Race day and the phrase impending doom seemed synonymous for a whole month.

The morning of the race my stomach was all fluttery with excitement. We got there with no problems and started running at 8am. Man was it hard. I started praying around mile one.

As I am pouring out my desire to the Lord to be able to run the whole time, I notice that Fergie is yelling in my ears via my cool-according-to-the-world ipod about her lumps and my praying is getting all lost. So I switch over to worship music and it made all of the difference in the world.

I have never felt alive like that before. As I ran, the music reminded me the things that I believe deep in my soul. I became acutely aware of nature around me and how grateful I was to be in it. Another benefit of being a very slow runner in a Susan G. Komen race is that people put who they are running for (in memory of and celebration of) on signs that they pin to their backs. As people passed me I got to be reminded again of how grateful I am that I am alive.

As I got closer to the finish line, people lined the sidewalks cheering me on. “Go runner!” they yelled. “You’re almost there! Keep going!” It felt really great to be a joiner that day. I felt like Maximus in ancient Rome defying his individuality to be called gladiator. That day I had no name, but the crowds acknowledged me as runner.

Also, in case you are wondering, 36 minutes. Pretty dang good for my first 5K I think. I’m not sure why they call them “fun runs” because it was NOT fun, but the experience was worth everything and will keep me coming back for more.

I am what I hate.

My experience with Celebrate Recovery has not been what I thought it would be. I started going to this recovery group because I knew that my issues with my Dad were impeding my growth spiritually and as a person. So went thinking that it would cure me of my daddy issues. Not so.

Actually CR, among other things, really helps you see how you contribute to situations and to view blame in a different way. Relationships and conflict are not black and white entities and fault is better viewed in degrees than “it’s all your fault”. Unless the case deals with abuse inflicted on you by another, than your contribution to unresolved conflict is more than you probably realize.

The first stage of this group is dealing with your denial. Not me, right? Hmmm… It is funny how much you can lie to yourself without ever knowing. How this is playing out for me is the thing that makes me the craziest about my Dad - his over the top control about all things - is something that I share with him.

I have been catching myself recently in the middle of telling my mother how to run her life, trying to push boys into liking me (a really funny and embarrassing story attached to that comment that I might get the guts to share in the future) and trying to make my co-workers operate in the same style as me.

Now to some these things might not seem like emergencies but unchecked what people term as “this is just how I am” turns into habit and that habit can turn into destructive behaviors. Don’t fool yourself. My Dad one day long ago didn’t alienate people the way he does today but he started building these habits somewhere. Today I am seeing the beginning of that road in me and I want more than anything to stop it.

This control is something I share with many generations or men on my Dad’s side of the family and it is not leaving quietly or quickly. I am having a really hard time changing me. How do you will deep seated habits within you to be different? Impossible, without God.

The good news of the gospel of Jesus Christ is that I don’t have to rely on myself to change these things, but the creator of the universe wants to help me in my quest to be more like Him. Also, the other good news is that I am not alone in my frustrations. One of my favorite passages in the Bible is in Romans where Paul is describing my life almost like he knew me. It gives me so much peace to read this and I hope it does the same for you.

Romans 7:14-25
I can anticipate the response that is coming: "I know that all God's commands are spiritual, but I'm not. Isn't this also your experience?" Yes. I'm full of myself—after all, I've spent a long time in sin's prison. What I don't understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise. So if I can't be trusted to figure out what is best for myself and then do it, it becomes obvious that God's command is necessary.

But I need something more! For if I know the law but still can't keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! I realize that I don't have what it takes. I can will it, but I can't do it. I decide to do good, but I don't really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don't result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time.

It happens so regularly that it's predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in God's commands, but it's pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge.

I've tried everything and nothing helps. I'm at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn't that the real question?

The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve God with all my heart and mind, but am pulled by the influence of sin to do something totally different.