Have Cheap Luggage, Will Travel

For almost 40 years of her 87 year long life, Mother Teresa struggled secretly with spiritual darkness and only after her death did this come to light via a book of her letters entitled, Come Be My Light.

One passage written in 1979 reads, "The silence is so great that I look and do not see, listen and do not hear. The tongue moves in prayer but does not speak."
When this news came out, there was of course a big uproar. Apparently the world’s most well known Christian had trouble with her faith and every cynic within earshot smelled blood.

There will always be those people trying to poke holes in the validity of our faith by attacking people like Mother Theresa and I just don’t care. In fact, I love that we found out about her secret struggle. It makes me feel normal. And on top of that, who said that becoming a Christian means that you loose the right to question?

Unfortunately, that unspoken but generally understood rule in the church has caused many people to weep in dark corners and face Sunday morning with a plastic smile. It is a lie that sucks the life out believers that just need to hear somebody say, “I understand.”

Doubt should be thrust out into the light of day to be examined, discussed and prodded from every angle. It puts us on a path that helps us own our beliefs and brings us closer as people. Doubt is beautiful.

I in no way want to presume that I have the answer to Mother Teresa’s spiritual uncertainty, but I wonder if the story might have been different if her superiors had encouraged her to share with the world her inner battle.

I pray that we always respectfully question what we do not understand, never shun those that do and find opportunities to say “I understand.”

Read:James 1:6
Ask: The original Greek meaning of the word doubt in this verse means “to be at variance between one’s self”. Do think this verse says not to question at all or to question with a foundation of faith?

Read: Mark 9:24
Ask: Is it possible to believe in something but still need convincing?

Read: Hebrews 3:12-15
Ask: What is the difference between doubt and unbelief?

I’m getting a new job and it is killing me. What’s the big deal, you say. New opportunities are a part of life, this is a part of being an adult... The conflict stems from the fact that I know without a doubt that I am supposed to take this job but I do not want to leave my current job at Women of Faith (WoF).

For those of you that do not know my story, I was pretty lost when I came to work at WoF over 3 years ago. Living with a boyfriend of 6 years that didn’t love me, having no desire to get in a church, my circle of friends thought of me only as a drinking buddy and honestly I had no idea who Jesus was. However, there is only so long that you can spend around Godly women before it just rubs off on you and my friends at work changed me despite my strong resistance to it. These women have made an impact on my life that will affect my children and my children’s children…I am so grateful for their friendship and I know I supposed to leave them.

Leaving them means that I have to grow up, stop leaning on others to direct my spiritual life, and learn to lead myself and eventually others. They have been my comfort blanket for many years. I dread the loss of their daily influence and know it is the right decision in the same thought.

Walking into a new situation despite my fleshly desire to stay comfortable feels like taking a step off a cliff into…I don’t know. I guess this is what they mean by the phrase “living by faith” and I got to tell you it ain’t fun.

As hard as it is to make decisions based on your relationship with God, I think it is worse to be bored by life.

As I take this step off the cliff I feel at the same time an intense resistance to my decision and giddy excitement about what God has in store for me. I guess this is how Abraham felt when leading his son to be sacrificed (Gen. 21) and how Paul felt when he was getting the crap beat out of him for the Gospel (Acts 16:16-24) and Hosea felt when he asked the prostitute to marry him (Hosea 1).

Inside the hazy mist exists…a war.
A tournament of wits waged by two warriors,
Both struggling and clawing to triumph,
To win the fight is to control the battlefield,
And the defeated will slink into unknown shadows.
For now, the battle rages on unfinished,
Eventually one will rise from the mess,
But for now, pain, confusion and the night…

Words written by the 12 year old Nichole that still apply to the 29 year old Nichole. They sure don’t tell you how hard it is to follow Christ sometimes…

Read: Galatians 5:17
Ask: Is there a decision in your life that you are in conflict about? Can you apply this verse to your conflict?

Read: John 16:12-14
Ask: Are you comfortable making a decision for your faith where you might not see all of the results? Do you trust that God will show you the outcomes when the time is right?

Read: Proverbs 3:5-6
Ask: Do you trust God to help you make this decision? Why or why not? What is keeping you from trusting God?