The Dark Corners of My Mind
Four years ago my life was very different. My life then was about … well, me. There is not one single decision that I made that was not somehow wrapped up in helping me find happiness. Funny how pursuing your happiness at all costs is a very unhappy pursuit.
Since then Christ pulled me out of my gutter and I have happily worked to turn my life into service for others. That single minded approach to my time has kept me very busy. Leading a home group, mentoring a 14 autistic girl, volunteering at an inner city VBS and on and on… My life by design is poured out into others. Service to others creates in me satisfaction that lets me know I was created for it. I say this not out of arrogance but out of concern because I have discovered an unintended problem to a life of service.
When everything in your life is about somebody else, you tend to ignore the monsters in your own head until something comes along to shed light the stuff you didn’t even know was there. Dark corners dressed with the cobwebs of time have been hiding issues that have flown under the radar for years. Their discovery produces an uncomfortable angst that settles into my days as I struggle to find the right choices between two unfairly matched opponents.
The good in me is nothing more than a whisper. Just planting thoughts here and there designed to make me think. Never demanding, never making it hard for me to make the wrong decision. Just asking me to think and pay attention to what I might normally ignore.
The bad in me is more like a roaring lion looking to devour anything good in me that would choose the Lord. This side in me makes it extremely difficult to make the right choice even though I know it is the better one. A quote from C.S. Lewis helps put into words what I am discovering about myself…
"We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased." - C. S. Lewis, The Weight of Glory
I find myself wanted to trade myself in for a less confusing model all of the time. How is it possible to be 30 and 4 all at the same time? What I do know that it is okay to not be okay, just not okay to stay there. Looks like I’m going to start heading back to CR.
Read: 1 Kings 19:9-13
Ask: Why do you think God would choose to speak to Elijah in a whisper?
Ask: How can you apply this situation to your life?
Read: Romans 12:2
Ask: What areas of your life have you not been renewing?
Since then Christ pulled me out of my gutter and I have happily worked to turn my life into service for others. That single minded approach to my time has kept me very busy. Leading a home group, mentoring a 14 autistic girl, volunteering at an inner city VBS and on and on… My life by design is poured out into others. Service to others creates in me satisfaction that lets me know I was created for it. I say this not out of arrogance but out of concern because I have discovered an unintended problem to a life of service.
When everything in your life is about somebody else, you tend to ignore the monsters in your own head until something comes along to shed light the stuff you didn’t even know was there. Dark corners dressed with the cobwebs of time have been hiding issues that have flown under the radar for years. Their discovery produces an uncomfortable angst that settles into my days as I struggle to find the right choices between two unfairly matched opponents.
The good in me is nothing more than a whisper. Just planting thoughts here and there designed to make me think. Never demanding, never making it hard for me to make the wrong decision. Just asking me to think and pay attention to what I might normally ignore.
The bad in me is more like a roaring lion looking to devour anything good in me that would choose the Lord. This side in me makes it extremely difficult to make the right choice even though I know it is the better one. A quote from C.S. Lewis helps put into words what I am discovering about myself…
"We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased." - C. S. Lewis, The Weight of Glory
I find myself wanted to trade myself in for a less confusing model all of the time. How is it possible to be 30 and 4 all at the same time? What I do know that it is okay to not be okay, just not okay to stay there. Looks like I’m going to start heading back to CR.
Read: 1 Kings 19:9-13
Ask: Why do you think God would choose to speak to Elijah in a whisper?
Ask: How can you apply this situation to your life?
Read: Romans 12:2
Ask: What areas of your life have you not been renewing?
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