Have Cheap Luggage, Will Travel

Treading Water

My life is making me want to give up lately. I think that when you are young that you never think that 30 is a real thing. Maybe in my mind 30 was like winning the lottery. It only happened to people on TV but would never happen to me. Turns out I was wrong and it looks like 30 will come if I like it or not.

Even thought I never thought becoming a quasi-adult would never happen to me, I - true to little girl without a Daddy format – imagined quasi-adulthood as a married woman. The question for me now is what if that doesn’t happen, what do I think of myself?

To tell you the truth, I really have no idea. What bucket do I fit in? Where do I belong? I always had this idea of how life was going to go and it is not going according to plan.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not sobbing in my pillow every night. I’m just confused. Do I wait for the circumstances in my life to create who I will be when I grow up or do I charge ahead to make my own circumstances?

I have this vision of myself straddling several fences right now.

I have one foot in my church world which I love but I don’t want to get too far from where I came from because I am afraid of loosing the rawness of the real decision I have made to follow Christ.

I have one foot in my work world which I also love but I don’t want to put both feet in because I lived too many years letting my life revolve around work and know what a dead end/ revolving door/ black whole life you can create for yourself when you are a workaholic.

I have one foot in friends’ worlds which I need but they have their own lives, so I am always fighting for their time with boyfriends, work or anything. Except for my friends Bryan and Jen who are always there for me no matter what.

So as I watch myself tread water in all these worlds, I wonder what it will take to push me over the fence and at the same time get completely sick of doing nothing.

At my job, we have been working on a conference for teen girls and the funny thing is, those girls are asking the same questions and they are 15. I guess this wondering never changes but one thing you can be sure of is that I will not tread water for long.