Have Cheap Luggage, Will Travel

Life Blurs

Being pulled along by the train we call life. Rushing past the destinations of new relationships, a friend’s wedding, a friend’s hospital visit…My interaction consists of rushing off the train to say quick thank you’s and I love you’s, step into a few pictures and then I get back on the train to rush to my next destination. It’s not the stops that build my concern; it is the trips in between. The scenery blends together in a blur of colors with no distinct features or connections. Sigh. I want to fix this, but who has the time…

That’s really the problem isn’t it? To really develop a deep connection with life we have to make choices and sometimes choices between good things. That is never comfortable for the overachiever or people pleaser. I hate to say no to people so I end up saying no to myself. Cutting short my sleep, scheduling dinners to chat with a friend every night, maintaining long hours at work, and drinking way too much coffee to keep going. All of these things eventually wear me down and my body takes me out. Yesterday I stayed in bed with an awful headache unable to do anything productive because my body had had enough.

I usually try and develop intricate organizational systems to tackle to flow of work and people in my life. In my room there are 3 months worth of desk calendars taped to my closet door and they chronicle my overextended life so I won’t forget anything. At work, I made a daily to do list for the rest of the year and the funny thing is, I fully intended on keeping to it. Eventually I have to come up with a new system because life refuses be controlled by me, it gets out of control and my well plotted organizational system fails. The reason, I am not God.

Now, I think we can all agree that life is unpredictable and the only assurance of unwavering consistency we have is a faith in God. However, my vises whisper sweet nothings in my ear until I catch myself noticing the blur between life train stops again. Crap.

So my first reaction is to do something – Quit my job, schedule times of rest for myself, anything! But I have lived enough life to know that different circumstances produce the same result if you are the same. It is at these times that I am so grateful that I believe in something bigger than me because this kind of change is impossible on your own.