Have Cheap Luggage, Will Travel

I really don’t like Texas and have an even deeper disdain for Dallas. DFW culture consists of shopping and big flashy everything. While there are many redeeming parts to our fair city, there is much that makes me want to move into a one-room shack in Seattle.

What’s worse is that on top of its shallow pursuits, it’s just not pretty. We never waste an opportunity to cut down a tree and throw up another strip mall (because we really need another one). Even when you do get out of the city, the woods are nothing more than scraggly sticks surrounded by dirt as far as the eye can see. Not exactly something that inspires me.

Recently in an effort to get away and getting some thinking time, I went camping with some friends darn near the middle of nowhere. Groesbeck, TX. We went to a friend’s land, threw up some tents and froze our rears off in the cold. For some reason, conversation over hot chocolate and a campfire seems that much more fulfilling. On the other hand, there are some parts of the middle of nowhere that are not so cool like using the woods as a bathroom. But more about that later…

The best part of the trip came the next morning when we all piled in the truck to visit my friend’s home church. The trip was a 30 minute adventure through the back country of scraggly sticks and dirt but for some reason that day…it was beautiful.

Everywhere I looked I saw God and it created worship in me. I cried happy tears the whole way there, all the way through the service and even during the cheesy solo that could have been a Garth Brooks song.

After I came back from Groesbeck, it was like I was able to see things in a different way. I saw God in things that would normally start me on my “Dallas sucks” rant. Instead of rolling my eyes, I would venture to say that began things the way that God saw them.

The clouds looked more majestic, people in pursuit of the Dallas status quo broke my heart instead of annoyed me and I just loved being in the world.

I get the feeling that my world was always this way, but for whatever reason, the eyes of my heart were blind to what God was doing around me. I bet that blindness had something to do with my own choices.

Anyway, God is pretty good about letting you get to the end of your thoughts and then showing you how your way is just…dumb.

So I leave you with this thought,

“I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened,
so that you will know what is the hope of His calling,
what are the riches of the glory of His inheritance in the saints,
and what is the surpassing greatness of His power toward us who believe.
These are in accordance with the working of the strength of His might.”
- Ephesians 1:18-19

Read: Thomas Merton Quote
Ask: What might you be missing out on because you are trying to make the world about you?

Read: Matthew 16:17
Ask: What does this verse tell you about your own ability to open the eyes of your heart?

Read: 2 Corinthians 3:14-18
Ask: What are you doing to create opportunity to open the eyes of your heart?
(Hint: This could be anything from a place, book or a person. God built us all differently and you should look for what inspires you.)

Four years ago my life was very different. My life then was about … well, me. There is not one single decision that I made that was not somehow wrapped up in helping me find happiness. Funny how pursuing your happiness at all costs is a very unhappy pursuit.

Since then Christ pulled me out of my gutter and I have happily worked to turn my life into service for others. That single minded approach to my time has kept me very busy. Leading a home group, mentoring a 14 autistic girl, volunteering at an inner city VBS and on and on… My life by design is poured out into others. Service to others creates in me satisfaction that lets me know I was created for it. I say this not out of arrogance but out of concern because I have discovered an unintended problem to a life of service.

When everything in your life is about somebody else, you tend to ignore the monsters in your own head until something comes along to shed light the stuff you didn’t even know was there. Dark corners dressed with the cobwebs of time have been hiding issues that have flown under the radar for years. Their discovery produces an uncomfortable angst that settles into my days as I struggle to find the right choices between two unfairly matched opponents.

The good in me is nothing more than a whisper. Just planting thoughts here and there designed to make me think. Never demanding, never making it hard for me to make the wrong decision. Just asking me to think and pay attention to what I might normally ignore.

The bad in me is more like a roaring lion looking to devour anything good in me that would choose the Lord. This side in me makes it extremely difficult to make the right choice even though I know it is the better one. A quote from C.S. Lewis helps put into words what I am discovering about myself…

"We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased." - C. S. Lewis, The Weight of Glory

I find myself wanted to trade myself in for a less confusing model all of the time. How is it possible to be 30 and 4 all at the same time? What I do know that it is okay to not be okay, just not okay to stay there. Looks like I’m going to start heading back to CR.

Read: 1 Kings 19:9-13
Ask: Why do you think God would choose to speak to Elijah in a whisper?
Ask: How can you apply this situation to your life?
Read: Romans 12:2
Ask: What areas of your life have you not been renewing?

I’ve been saying that I am 30 for years. Always joking about having one foot in the grave or comparing myself to old ladies. Maybe I was just working myself up to crossing over. Either way, I actually turned the big 3-0 this week. Does this mean that I have to start putting myself in the adult category? Hope not…

The funny thing is that nothing has changed. The morning of my birthday I rolled out of bed to find out that I was not smarter, more mature, richer or poorer than the day before. I was just … me. What a disappointing discovery.

The Couchless Life
Consciously or unconsciously I think we wait for these milestones in life as benchmarks for change. Everybody does it even if they don’t admit it. I knew a girl once that refused to buy furniture in anticipation of getting married. Finally in her early 30’s she got tired of sitting on lawn chairs in her living room, broke down and bought a couch.


By holding your breath in anticipation of the next area of life, you miss today. The problem is that being present in each moment means that you have to deal with the reality of each moment. I would venture to say that each one of us has something that they would love to ignore about ourselves.

Behind the Curtin
But that’s not me, you would say. I have a couch! Think hard. What are you holding your breath in anticipation of?

- New job
- Getting over a death
- Promotion
- Boyfriend
- No boyfriend
- Better relationship with God
- Marriage
- Moving to a different state
- Getting that degree

But what happens when we accomplish these things? We have a peak behind the curtain of marriage or better jobs to discover that we are the same person with different window dressing. So then we make new goals and start repeating a new set of “when that happens” statements.

When will we admit that constantly jumping over the white picket fence to check out the greener grass has turned into an addiction?

The Pursuit of Happiness
What is more concerning is the possibility that the addiction erodes more than our satisfaction with today. This compulsion teaches us that our happiness is tied to circumstances in life. Even if you don’t believe in God, I think we can agree that a new job will not create the perpetual joy that we are all seeking. Maybe, just maybe, we were built for a happiness that has roots in something bigger than ourselves.

So…it turns out that real people not in sitcoms do turn 30 and that my own person pursuit of happiness does have hope. One interesting thing about reaching 30 is that my Facebook ads have turned on me. They switched from "29 and looking?" to "30 and still single?". That's just rude...

Until next time,

Nichole

Read: 1 John 2:15-17
Ask: What does it mean to love life in the context of this verse?

Read: Ecclesiastes 1:1-11
Ask: Do you think you have better ways seek happiness in your life?

Read: Job 1:6 – 2:10
Ask: If you lost everything, would God be enough for you?

There as not been a time where I did not carry an overwhelming sense of confidence in myself and in my decisions. In fact while in junior high school, my lectures to my parents usually revolved around the dangers of credit cards and how they were harming our family’s finances by using them. I clearly remember thinking, “I am so over these people”. Those people being my parents. I was 12.

The problem for people with confident assurance in themselves is that typically things work out for them. Everything from jobs to relationships can be obtained by badgering somebody to death until they say yes to maintain their own sanity. My college days were a perfect example of this and my arrogance only grew with each successful decision. And then I made a decision to follow Jesus for real when I was 26.


I’m sure that originally I thought made the decision because it was the “right” thing to do but very quickly found that being a Christian for real ain’t like the movies. When you ask God to be a part of your life, He begins to show you … yourself. Exposing the true motives of your heart like a depressing autopsy. Slowly but surely this truth helps you understand that you are not the center of the universe.

For some this is an easy pill to swallow but it was been much harder for me for some reason. I guess I feel comforted by thinking of the world in concrete terms. There is right and wrong and I just want to know where I find myself. Unfortunately, life is not always that black and white.

Since my college days, I have learned a bit about pride, arrogance and the loneliness at the top of the mountain of absolute principles. I’ve been fired from jobs, relationships and everything else in between because of my unwavering decisions.

So, I would love to wrap this up with some great definitive conclusion that God has taught me but today all I have is a sorted past that would make any mother blush, more questions than answers and a constant struggle to learn the same lesson over and over again.

I guess that is why I love Jesus so much. He died to save me. The me that stands like a proud child that doesn’t know any better atop a pile of broken dreams, tattered cape flapping in the wind and desperately trying to make something of herself. Jesus’ sacrifice covers my sins and makes me like a white night in His eyes. I’ll never understand that one and that is where true worship is born.

If this story falls flat on you, I would venture to say that you have not yet discovered that you are not the center of the universe. Surprisingly that there is great comfort in knowing it is not up to you and I daily work to keep myself in that place.

Read: Colossians 1:16
Ask: Why does it say we were created? How does that make you feel about your purpose on this earth?

Read: Judges 6
Ask: Who did Gideon think he was? How do you know?
Ask: Who did God actually say he was?
Ask: Did Gideon act on God’s will before or after he put out the fleece?
Ask: What does that make you think about your own journey with the Lord?

I would like to tell you a story about William Wilberforce. William was a British abolitionist that single-handedly banished the slave trade from the UK through his political work in the House of Commons. He spent his entire life tirelessly focused on making an impact on the world around him by ridding British society of slavery. It consumed his every thought, action, relationships, career… There was not an area of his life that was not affected. Amazing.

Now, I would love to tell you that William lived a life bursting with happiness and fulfillment. That he wrote stomped out a great evil and went on to write tons of bestsellers and give grand speeches to motivate the next generation. Instead he worked his entire life toward one goal that eventually took his health and he died a short three days after his bill to abolish slavery passed. Three days of celebration for a life of work. I wonder if he knew the end of his story if he would have still made that trade off.


But of course slavery is evil and its death is worth fighting for. However, in William’s day it was a common as peanut butter. So, why would a person drive himself to an early grave over such a widespread practice? Here is a quote that might shed some light on the origin of this kind of passion.

“I set out to find happiness and instead I think God has found me…Do you know how inconvenient that is?” -William Wilberforce

His faith compelled him to action despite his desire to pursue comfort or a life of fulfillment. Do we that proclaim to be followers of Christ consider it inconvenient that our souls have been rescued? I imagine instead that we think we have dodged the bullet.

We breathe a sigh of relief and slowly but surely we distance ourselves from the gutter that God first found us in. “Never again” we say and move on to pursue a life of safety, spring break mission trips and lame Christian tracts to fulfill our obligation to our Lord.

Learning about the life of William Wilberforce has made me consider some questions of myself.

* Am I a “real” Christian or am I submitting to the religious mantle laid on me by my parents?
* Has God grabbed my heart where I could not bear to ignore his pleadings to reach the gutter despite how inconvenient it might be to me?
* Would I tirelessly work to abolish evil if I knew a mere three days of celebration waited for me?
* Does my current work for justice for justice’s sake or for the warm fuzzy feelings it creates in me?

Yeah but we are no Martin Luther King or Gandhi you would say. I would counter that the smallest of choices can make more of a difference than you imagine. Choose to take 5 minutes to share the lunch with the homeless man instead of tossing him a couple of bucks. Choose to ask about your co-worker’s life instead of endlessly talking about the weather. Choose to … fill in the blank. You know which choices you are passing up that have the potential of making a difference. Life does not have to be packed to the brim with selfish pursuit.

Here is my point. To us slavery is an easy choice of right and wrong, but our daily lives are not usually that black and white. Life is more like a grey mush that will sucks us into complacency like quicksand…if we choose to let it.

William Wilberforce is absolutely inspiring. His pursuit of God was so real that it inconveniently molded his choices. A champion for justice because he believed in something bigger than himself. We all love to chase the next hero and beg for someone to inspire us out of our boredom. The first place to look is in the man in mirror.

Read: 2 Corinthians 5:13-14, Proverbs 14:12
Ask: Have you ever been faced with a decision that some people would question your intelligence about?

Read: Genesis 9:6-22
Ask: We all know the children’s story of Noah and the ark, however, if God told you today to build an ark in your back yard would you do it? Why or why not?


Read: Isaiah 45:19
Ask: One of our favorite excuses for action is to say that we are not sure if we are hearing from the Lord. What does this verse have to say about that? How will this verse affect future decisions for you?

“Girls should always get married early because as you get older you just don’t need guys. You can pay your own bills, run your lives. Even spiritually you don’t need us. Why would you need to get married at your age?”

A friend of mine was explaining to me his thoughts about relationships and I was so shocked at how wrong he was that I didn’t initially respond fully to his comment.

However, it did prompt some questions for me. Where did he pick up that message? I find it highly unlikely that he came to this conclusion on his own. Is it possible as women, are we the teachers of lessons that keep us isolated and alone? Do we build up impenetrable walls and then sit around complaining why nobody wants to get to know us? I am afraid to honestly answer those questions…


I guess that I think if guys knew what they were getting into with me that they would run for the hills. As a girl with deep seated Daddy issues, I’ve been chasing the elusive feeling of being loved completely by a man since I was young and using relationships as a substitute. Usually they crumble slowly under the strain of having to support a lifetime of baggage. Unconsciously I see the end of relationship roads and think that it’s too much pressure for one person to bear. That is definitely one of the many reasons why I put myself in a position of not needing guys, romantic or otherwise.

As I contemplate my singleness and the role that I allow men to play in my life, my current circle of friends comes to mind. This circle includes several amazing Godly men that have shown me on a daily basis how much I need them. They bust through my pre-established walls of many years by engaging me in real conversations about life, my walk with the Lord and everything else in between. What is interesting about that, is that they get to see the real me and don’t run for the hills.

Being raised in a hyper-religious environment has not helped either as I was raised with the message that being friends with guys is dangerous. Too much temptation I was told. I now realize how silly that is. My guy friends provide a real life example of Godly men so counterfeit men are that much more obvious to me.

And isn’t that what Christ described as true community? Men and women living life together and filling each other’s needs.

These questions are too important to ignore. We need to look inside ourselves for the walls and the preconceived notions that are keeping us from living in true community that God wants for us.


Read: Acts 4:32-37
Ask: Does this sound like the community that you have in your life? If not, what are you doing to encourage that?

Read: Galatians 6:2
Ask: What are you doing to uncover and bear the burdens of those around you?

Read: Ephesians 4:25
Ask: Are you being honest with your community about what is really going on with you?

We live in a culture where we have the opportunity to choose almost anything we want. Job, mate, religion. The list is endless and yet the large majority of the world lives out their lives in choiceless days. So considering this privilege of choice we have, how do we treat it?

A recent conversation with a friend got me thinking about this as she told me her story. After graduating high school young, she jumped into studying psychology right away and the reality of human nature saddened her to the point where she dropped out of school. Her soul has been recovering ever since. Facing the naked truth that humans are disgusting in the very core of us was too much for her. Despite the fact that she is a beautiful, bubbly and extremely intelligent young woman, she has limited her interaction with life as to not be disappointed by human relationships. There is so much evil in the world why try, she would tell you.


My family and I took a trip to the zoo after this conversation and I decided to take the day to field test her theory. We took the DART from Plano to the zoo and my friend’s words clung to my thoughts like a parasite slowly killing the idea that she was wrong. A man sat next us that could have been my grandpa. His nails long and overgrown. His satin red jacket promoted a women’s bingo group and he smelled less than appealing. His life was held beside him in a ratty backpack. The sight of him prompted sadness and yet his eyes held a softness and intelligence that made me curious about his story. How are you here? Why would someone let this happen to you?

The DART train passed several open fields south of downtown Dallas and you could see makeshift tents made out of sheets or pallets of worn blankets tucked into corners of fences. Men and women, just like the man in the bingo jacket, living out their lives ignored and abandoned in trash heaps. Were they somebody’s mom or dad? How could so many people be just forgotten?

When we arrived at the zoo, ridiculous children and their equally misbehaving parents helped reinforce the idea that kindness and the general public has not ever met. Perhaps my friend was right. I listlessly wandered through the zoo becoming more depressed with each step until I reached the elephants and the world softened around me.

I have now idea why I was so enraptured with this elephant but it was like I was discovering it for the first time. The deep wrinkles in its skin, the squishiness of its padded feet, the smallness of the fingers at the end of its trunk. It moved as if time didn’t matter, engaging the world as it felt like it. The beauty of the moment was overwhelming. After that my steps were much lighter.

Here is my point. That elephant didn’t do anything about the homeless problem in Dallas or stomp out any of the kids banging their heads in the glass in the amphibian house, but it showed me that beauty is all around us. I guess what it comes down to, is that we have to choose to see it and carry it with us to the places in the world that need help seeing it.

Read: 1 Thessalonians 5:9-11
Ask: When you think about sadness in the world, how to you think this verse tells us to interact with it?

Read: Hebrews 10:24-25
Ask: How do you think you could encourage someone to find beauty?

Read: Romans 12:1-2
Ask: Do you think your habits bring beauty into other’s lives?

For almost 40 years of her 87 year long life, Mother Teresa struggled secretly with spiritual darkness and only after her death did this come to light via a book of her letters entitled, Come Be My Light.

One passage written in 1979 reads, "The silence is so great that I look and do not see, listen and do not hear. The tongue moves in prayer but does not speak."
When this news came out, there was of course a big uproar. Apparently the world’s most well known Christian had trouble with her faith and every cynic within earshot smelled blood.

There will always be those people trying to poke holes in the validity of our faith by attacking people like Mother Theresa and I just don’t care. In fact, I love that we found out about her secret struggle. It makes me feel normal. And on top of that, who said that becoming a Christian means that you loose the right to question?

Unfortunately, that unspoken but generally understood rule in the church has caused many people to weep in dark corners and face Sunday morning with a plastic smile. It is a lie that sucks the life out believers that just need to hear somebody say, “I understand.”

Doubt should be thrust out into the light of day to be examined, discussed and prodded from every angle. It puts us on a path that helps us own our beliefs and brings us closer as people. Doubt is beautiful.

I in no way want to presume that I have the answer to Mother Teresa’s spiritual uncertainty, but I wonder if the story might have been different if her superiors had encouraged her to share with the world her inner battle.

I pray that we always respectfully question what we do not understand, never shun those that do and find opportunities to say “I understand.”

Read:James 1:6
Ask: The original Greek meaning of the word doubt in this verse means “to be at variance between one’s self”. Do think this verse says not to question at all or to question with a foundation of faith?

Read: Mark 9:24
Ask: Is it possible to believe in something but still need convincing?

Read: Hebrews 3:12-15
Ask: What is the difference between doubt and unbelief?