Have Cheap Luggage, Will Travel

For almost 40 years of her 87 year long life, Mother Teresa struggled secretly with spiritual darkness and only after her death did this come to light via a book of her letters entitled, Come Be My Light.

One passage written in 1979 reads, "The silence is so great that I look and do not see, listen and do not hear. The tongue moves in prayer but does not speak."
When this news came out, there was of course a big uproar. Apparently the world’s most well known Christian had trouble with her faith and every cynic within earshot smelled blood.

There will always be those people trying to poke holes in the validity of our faith by attacking people like Mother Theresa and I just don’t care. In fact, I love that we found out about her secret struggle. It makes me feel normal. And on top of that, who said that becoming a Christian means that you loose the right to question?

Unfortunately, that unspoken but generally understood rule in the church has caused many people to weep in dark corners and face Sunday morning with a plastic smile. It is a lie that sucks the life out believers that just need to hear somebody say, “I understand.”

Doubt should be thrust out into the light of day to be examined, discussed and prodded from every angle. It puts us on a path that helps us own our beliefs and brings us closer as people. Doubt is beautiful.

I in no way want to presume that I have the answer to Mother Teresa’s spiritual uncertainty, but I wonder if the story might have been different if her superiors had encouraged her to share with the world her inner battle.

I pray that we always respectfully question what we do not understand, never shun those that do and find opportunities to say “I understand.”

Read:James 1:6
Ask: The original Greek meaning of the word doubt in this verse means “to be at variance between one’s self”. Do think this verse says not to question at all or to question with a foundation of faith?

Read: Mark 9:24
Ask: Is it possible to believe in something but still need convincing?

Read: Hebrews 3:12-15
Ask: What is the difference between doubt and unbelief?

Part of my very extended college career took place at the University of North Texas in Denton, TX and if you have spent any time there you know that it is common to see people with tons of tattoos and purple hair wandering the campus due to the school’s emphasis on the arts. The artists even had their own dorm where humus and sprouts were served in the cafeteria. We always treated them like pets. Cute humans that we smirked at because of their weirdness and put in glass cages to watch from a safe distance.

Lately, I have started to smirk less and try to find a way to the other side of the glass. Isn’t there something special about someone who can see the world past our eyes? They can find musical rhythms in a car motor and sculptures in trash piles.

So what makes them different? How do they see what we do not? Some would say that they are born with a gift and while I think that is true, a real artist will cultivate this unique perspective and we can do the same

I heard a great story on the radio the other day about an artist retreat in New Hampshire called The MacDowell colony. Spread out over 450 acres of woods are 32 studios/ cabins filled with pianos, photography equipment and all kinds of other stuff to help these artists see past our eyes. What caught my attention was not the studios themselves but the simple solitude of the camp. As a resident, you eat breakfast and dinner in common areas but that is the only contact with the outside world. There are no phones, messages are only hand delivered in emergencies and your lunch is dropped at your cabin door without so much as a knock. No interruptions.

One painter described her experience after being there a month as a gradual decrease in thinking. She described her mind when she first arrived as a “laundry dryer full of garbage turning around and around with completely insignificant thoughts”. At the end of her stay she said her hand would move over the canvas almost with a mind of its own and when walking in the woods she could hear the crunch of the leaves under her feet and the rustling of the trees. Sounds that had previously been drowned out by her own cluttered mind.

Here is my point. How often do you think our laundry dryer minds drown out what God is trying to tell us? Our lives are filled with stuff. Places to be, books to read, clothes to buy. The list goes on and on. Artists see the beauty in the world because they take the time to look for it. Do we search with the same ferocious tenacity for the will of the Lord? Are we determined enough to hear it that we would travel to New Hampshire to lock ourselves away in a cabin?

Our culture wars against solitude, quiet, simplicity and all the other things that give us the room to see beauty and the God that made that beauty. So we must war against it with the same level of intensity.

Read: 1 Kings 19: 9-18
Ask: Where do we find the voice of the Lord in this passage? How should we seek Him?

Read: 1 Corinthians 2: 9-12
Ask: Do you personally think it is difficult to hear the will of the Lord? Why do you think it happens like that for you?

Sometimes I find myself treating my faith like a combination lock twisting and turning circumstances to try to find God. A little bit of prayer to the left…reading my Bible 20 minutes a day to my right…telling a stranger about my faith once a month back to the left and pull! Strangely enough the lock never opens and even more disappointing is that this journey has not brought me closer to knowing my Creator any better.

If you really thought about it, it’s almost like I want God to be my own genie in a bottle appearing upon my prayerful request and grating my wish to know Him better. There is enough life behind me to know that this 3 step method approach to my faith will not work but I find myself trying anyway. To be honest, my faith is the most frustrating thing in my life because way more often than not, I only see shadows of the God I love.

Usually I only see God where He was. A glance back at my life over that last few years for comparison to today to see forward progress, a friend that came to faith suddenly or a sister that professes a deep faith where there was none before. All these things scream divine influence but how did I miss Him when He was there. That moment where nothing in the universe could convince you that God doesn’t exist. However just as quick as He came, He sneaks back behind the veil of mystery and I am left with shadows and nagging uncertainties.

Why be a Christian then? I guess for this reason. I have heard some men say after they have met their mate that they just want to spend the rest of their lives navigating the deep waters of their woman’s soul. To them it is about the relationship not the goal. No one, including our God, wants to be conquered only to be a trophy on a wall. When it is all said and done the process of the pursuit is enough motivation for me because I can remember the moments when He was here.

There are just some mysteries of life that are not meant to be fully understood or unraveled - a woman’s thoughts, the motivation of great artists and our faith in an invisible God. Curiosity keeps us engaged with wonder that would disappear if we had all of the answers.

Read: Matthew 13:10-17
Ask: After waiting all this time to come to this world, why would Jesus teach in parables? Why wouldn’t he be as clear as possible?

Read: Jeremiah 29: 12-13
Ask: This verse seems to indicate a clear path to find God. Why is that not always true for us?

Read: Acts 17: 26-27
Ask: What does this verse seem to indicate about our pursuit of God?

I’m getting a new job and it is killing me. What’s the big deal, you say. New opportunities are a part of life, this is a part of being an adult... The conflict stems from the fact that I know without a doubt that I am supposed to take this job but I do not want to leave my current job at Women of Faith (WoF).

For those of you that do not know my story, I was pretty lost when I came to work at WoF over 3 years ago. Living with a boyfriend of 6 years that didn’t love me, having no desire to get in a church, my circle of friends thought of me only as a drinking buddy and honestly I had no idea who Jesus was. However, there is only so long that you can spend around Godly women before it just rubs off on you and my friends at work changed me despite my strong resistance to it. These women have made an impact on my life that will affect my children and my children’s children…I am so grateful for their friendship and I know I supposed to leave them.

Leaving them means that I have to grow up, stop leaning on others to direct my spiritual life, and learn to lead myself and eventually others. They have been my comfort blanket for many years. I dread the loss of their daily influence and know it is the right decision in the same thought.

Walking into a new situation despite my fleshly desire to stay comfortable feels like taking a step off a cliff into…I don’t know. I guess this is what they mean by the phrase “living by faith” and I got to tell you it ain’t fun.

As hard as it is to make decisions based on your relationship with God, I think it is worse to be bored by life.

As I take this step off the cliff I feel at the same time an intense resistance to my decision and giddy excitement about what God has in store for me. I guess this is how Abraham felt when leading his son to be sacrificed (Gen. 21) and how Paul felt when he was getting the crap beat out of him for the Gospel (Acts 16:16-24) and Hosea felt when he asked the prostitute to marry him (Hosea 1).

Inside the hazy mist exists…a war.
A tournament of wits waged by two warriors,
Both struggling and clawing to triumph,
To win the fight is to control the battlefield,
And the defeated will slink into unknown shadows.
For now, the battle rages on unfinished,
Eventually one will rise from the mess,
But for now, pain, confusion and the night…

Words written by the 12 year old Nichole that still apply to the 29 year old Nichole. They sure don’t tell you how hard it is to follow Christ sometimes…

Read: Galatians 5:17
Ask: Is there a decision in your life that you are in conflict about? Can you apply this verse to your conflict?

Read: John 16:12-14
Ask: Are you comfortable making a decision for your faith where you might not see all of the results? Do you trust that God will show you the outcomes when the time is right?

Read: Proverbs 3:5-6
Ask: Do you trust God to help you make this decision? Why or why not? What is keeping you from trusting God?