Have Cheap Luggage, Will Travel

Frustration

I am what I hate.

My experience with Celebrate Recovery has not been what I thought it would be. I started going to this recovery group because I knew that my issues with my Dad were impeding my growth spiritually and as a person. So went thinking that it would cure me of my daddy issues. Not so.

Actually CR, among other things, really helps you see how you contribute to situations and to view blame in a different way. Relationships and conflict are not black and white entities and fault is better viewed in degrees than “it’s all your fault”. Unless the case deals with abuse inflicted on you by another, than your contribution to unresolved conflict is more than you probably realize.

The first stage of this group is dealing with your denial. Not me, right? Hmmm… It is funny how much you can lie to yourself without ever knowing. How this is playing out for me is the thing that makes me the craziest about my Dad - his over the top control about all things - is something that I share with him.

I have been catching myself recently in the middle of telling my mother how to run her life, trying to push boys into liking me (a really funny and embarrassing story attached to that comment that I might get the guts to share in the future) and trying to make my co-workers operate in the same style as me.

Now to some these things might not seem like emergencies but unchecked what people term as “this is just how I am” turns into habit and that habit can turn into destructive behaviors. Don’t fool yourself. My Dad one day long ago didn’t alienate people the way he does today but he started building these habits somewhere. Today I am seeing the beginning of that road in me and I want more than anything to stop it.

This control is something I share with many generations or men on my Dad’s side of the family and it is not leaving quietly or quickly. I am having a really hard time changing me. How do you will deep seated habits within you to be different? Impossible, without God.

The good news of the gospel of Jesus Christ is that I don’t have to rely on myself to change these things, but the creator of the universe wants to help me in my quest to be more like Him. Also, the other good news is that I am not alone in my frustrations. One of my favorite passages in the Bible is in Romans where Paul is describing my life almost like he knew me. It gives me so much peace to read this and I hope it does the same for you.

Romans 7:14-25
I can anticipate the response that is coming: "I know that all God's commands are spiritual, but I'm not. Isn't this also your experience?" Yes. I'm full of myself—after all, I've spent a long time in sin's prison. What I don't understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise. So if I can't be trusted to figure out what is best for myself and then do it, it becomes obvious that God's command is necessary.

But I need something more! For if I know the law but still can't keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! I realize that I don't have what it takes. I can will it, but I can't do it. I decide to do good, but I don't really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don't result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time.

It happens so regularly that it's predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in God's commands, but it's pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge.

I've tried everything and nothing helps. I'm at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn't that the real question?

The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve God with all my heart and mind, but am pulled by the influence of sin to do something totally different.