Have Cheap Luggage, Will Travel

Part of my very extended college career took place at the University of North Texas in Denton, TX and if you have spent any time there you know that it is common to see people with tons of tattoos and purple hair wandering the campus due to the school’s emphasis on the arts. The artists even had their own dorm where humus and sprouts were served in the cafeteria. We always treated them like pets. Cute humans that we smirked at because of their weirdness and put in glass cages to watch from a safe distance.

Lately, I have started to smirk less and try to find a way to the other side of the glass. Isn’t there something special about someone who can see the world past our eyes? They can find musical rhythms in a car motor and sculptures in trash piles.

So what makes them different? How do they see what we do not? Some would say that they are born with a gift and while I think that is true, a real artist will cultivate this unique perspective and we can do the same

I heard a great story on the radio the other day about an artist retreat in New Hampshire called The MacDowell colony. Spread out over 450 acres of woods are 32 studios/ cabins filled with pianos, photography equipment and all kinds of other stuff to help these artists see past our eyes. What caught my attention was not the studios themselves but the simple solitude of the camp. As a resident, you eat breakfast and dinner in common areas but that is the only contact with the outside world. There are no phones, messages are only hand delivered in emergencies and your lunch is dropped at your cabin door without so much as a knock. No interruptions.

One painter described her experience after being there a month as a gradual decrease in thinking. She described her mind when she first arrived as a “laundry dryer full of garbage turning around and around with completely insignificant thoughts”. At the end of her stay she said her hand would move over the canvas almost with a mind of its own and when walking in the woods she could hear the crunch of the leaves under her feet and the rustling of the trees. Sounds that had previously been drowned out by her own cluttered mind.

Here is my point. How often do you think our laundry dryer minds drown out what God is trying to tell us? Our lives are filled with stuff. Places to be, books to read, clothes to buy. The list goes on and on. Artists see the beauty in the world because they take the time to look for it. Do we search with the same ferocious tenacity for the will of the Lord? Are we determined enough to hear it that we would travel to New Hampshire to lock ourselves away in a cabin?

Our culture wars against solitude, quiet, simplicity and all the other things that give us the room to see beauty and the God that made that beauty. So we must war against it with the same level of intensity.

Read: 1 Kings 19: 9-18
Ask: Where do we find the voice of the Lord in this passage? How should we seek Him?

Read: 1 Corinthians 2: 9-12
Ask: Do you personally think it is difficult to hear the will of the Lord? Why do you think it happens like that for you?

Sometimes I find myself treating my faith like a combination lock twisting and turning circumstances to try to find God. A little bit of prayer to the left…reading my Bible 20 minutes a day to my right…telling a stranger about my faith once a month back to the left and pull! Strangely enough the lock never opens and even more disappointing is that this journey has not brought me closer to knowing my Creator any better.

If you really thought about it, it’s almost like I want God to be my own genie in a bottle appearing upon my prayerful request and grating my wish to know Him better. There is enough life behind me to know that this 3 step method approach to my faith will not work but I find myself trying anyway. To be honest, my faith is the most frustrating thing in my life because way more often than not, I only see shadows of the God I love.

Usually I only see God where He was. A glance back at my life over that last few years for comparison to today to see forward progress, a friend that came to faith suddenly or a sister that professes a deep faith where there was none before. All these things scream divine influence but how did I miss Him when He was there. That moment where nothing in the universe could convince you that God doesn’t exist. However just as quick as He came, He sneaks back behind the veil of mystery and I am left with shadows and nagging uncertainties.

Why be a Christian then? I guess for this reason. I have heard some men say after they have met their mate that they just want to spend the rest of their lives navigating the deep waters of their woman’s soul. To them it is about the relationship not the goal. No one, including our God, wants to be conquered only to be a trophy on a wall. When it is all said and done the process of the pursuit is enough motivation for me because I can remember the moments when He was here.

There are just some mysteries of life that are not meant to be fully understood or unraveled - a woman’s thoughts, the motivation of great artists and our faith in an invisible God. Curiosity keeps us engaged with wonder that would disappear if we had all of the answers.

Read: Matthew 13:10-17
Ask: After waiting all this time to come to this world, why would Jesus teach in parables? Why wouldn’t he be as clear as possible?

Read: Jeremiah 29: 12-13
Ask: This verse seems to indicate a clear path to find God. Why is that not always true for us?

Read: Acts 17: 26-27
Ask: What does this verse seem to indicate about our pursuit of God?

I’m getting a new job and it is killing me. What’s the big deal, you say. New opportunities are a part of life, this is a part of being an adult... The conflict stems from the fact that I know without a doubt that I am supposed to take this job but I do not want to leave my current job at Women of Faith (WoF).

For those of you that do not know my story, I was pretty lost when I came to work at WoF over 3 years ago. Living with a boyfriend of 6 years that didn’t love me, having no desire to get in a church, my circle of friends thought of me only as a drinking buddy and honestly I had no idea who Jesus was. However, there is only so long that you can spend around Godly women before it just rubs off on you and my friends at work changed me despite my strong resistance to it. These women have made an impact on my life that will affect my children and my children’s children…I am so grateful for their friendship and I know I supposed to leave them.

Leaving them means that I have to grow up, stop leaning on others to direct my spiritual life, and learn to lead myself and eventually others. They have been my comfort blanket for many years. I dread the loss of their daily influence and know it is the right decision in the same thought.

Walking into a new situation despite my fleshly desire to stay comfortable feels like taking a step off a cliff into…I don’t know. I guess this is what they mean by the phrase “living by faith” and I got to tell you it ain’t fun.

As hard as it is to make decisions based on your relationship with God, I think it is worse to be bored by life.

As I take this step off the cliff I feel at the same time an intense resistance to my decision and giddy excitement about what God has in store for me. I guess this is how Abraham felt when leading his son to be sacrificed (Gen. 21) and how Paul felt when he was getting the crap beat out of him for the Gospel (Acts 16:16-24) and Hosea felt when he asked the prostitute to marry him (Hosea 1).

Inside the hazy mist exists…a war.
A tournament of wits waged by two warriors,
Both struggling and clawing to triumph,
To win the fight is to control the battlefield,
And the defeated will slink into unknown shadows.
For now, the battle rages on unfinished,
Eventually one will rise from the mess,
But for now, pain, confusion and the night…

Words written by the 12 year old Nichole that still apply to the 29 year old Nichole. They sure don’t tell you how hard it is to follow Christ sometimes…

Read: Galatians 5:17
Ask: Is there a decision in your life that you are in conflict about? Can you apply this verse to your conflict?

Read: John 16:12-14
Ask: Are you comfortable making a decision for your faith where you might not see all of the results? Do you trust that God will show you the outcomes when the time is right?

Read: Proverbs 3:5-6
Ask: Do you trust God to help you make this decision? Why or why not? What is keeping you from trusting God?

Being pulled along by the train we call life. Rushing past the destinations of new relationships, a friend’s wedding, a friend’s hospital visit…My interaction consists of rushing off the train to say quick thank you’s and I love you’s, step into a few pictures and then I get back on the train to rush to my next destination. It’s not the stops that build my concern; it is the trips in between. The scenery blends together in a blur of colors with no distinct features or connections. Sigh. I want to fix this, but who has the time…

That’s really the problem isn’t it? To really develop a deep connection with life we have to make choices and sometimes choices between good things. That is never comfortable for the overachiever or people pleaser. I hate to say no to people so I end up saying no to myself. Cutting short my sleep, scheduling dinners to chat with a friend every night, maintaining long hours at work, and drinking way too much coffee to keep going. All of these things eventually wear me down and my body takes me out. Yesterday I stayed in bed with an awful headache unable to do anything productive because my body had had enough.

I usually try and develop intricate organizational systems to tackle to flow of work and people in my life. In my room there are 3 months worth of desk calendars taped to my closet door and they chronicle my overextended life so I won’t forget anything. At work, I made a daily to do list for the rest of the year and the funny thing is, I fully intended on keeping to it. Eventually I have to come up with a new system because life refuses be controlled by me, it gets out of control and my well plotted organizational system fails. The reason, I am not God.

Now, I think we can all agree that life is unpredictable and the only assurance of unwavering consistency we have is a faith in God. However, my vises whisper sweet nothings in my ear until I catch myself noticing the blur between life train stops again. Crap.

So my first reaction is to do something – Quit my job, schedule times of rest for myself, anything! But I have lived enough life to know that different circumstances produce the same result if you are the same. It is at these times that I am so grateful that I believe in something bigger than me because this kind of change is impossible on your own.

Do you know when somebody tells you something about yourself that is hard to hear simply because it is true? Your first reaction is always defensive, right? Who are you…I am not…and a whole other list of excuses on why they don’t know what they are talking about, when deep down your first reaction is a cringe of guilt.

A close friend recently shared with me her concerns over my attitude to leadership positions in my life and my desire to avoid them.

“Responsibility has found you if you like it or not.”

-Cringe-

Let me explain how I got here. The main struggle of my life is to avoid the legacy of control left to me by my father. However, it seems that my worst fear has become my reality just disguised as something different.

My Dad and I have pretty much been at war with each other since I was young. He would try to control me, I would refuse to be controlled and many of our disagreements have made a nest of bitterness in my heart where I now attempt to control the leadership opportunities that God puts in my life by not participating in them because I am afraid of being my Dad.

How that plays out day to day is I focus on putting myself behind people to push them forward instead of leading the way. That is exactly why my friend shared with me the quote of my year…

“Responsibility has found you if you like it or not.”

My friend was asking me to be a leader but I was checked out and she had to plead with me to wake up from my complacency. Let’s be honest, committed complacency is control with different pants on.

-Cringe-

Since I have decided to be more open to leadership opportunities, a comforting peace has been infecting my days and I can see where my committed complacency has done more than just make me run from responsibility. I have been running from God’s plan for my life.

So, I don’t know if you have come to terms with your legacy that God has laid out for you but I can bet you that it is scary and will require you to lean on the Lord in order to not screw it up. However, it is not worth avoiding it because it will eventually chase you down.

In conclusion, let us raise our glass in celebration of
…friends that can say I love you but hate you right now
…to the committed pursuit of our hearts from the God of the universe
…and to the opportunity to reshape legacies.

Read: Psalm 66:10
Ask: What does this verse tell us about the origin of some trials? How does that make you feel about some difficult things that you are facing today?

Read: Daniel 11:33-35
Ask: How does this verse help you have grace for flawed leaders in your life?

Read: Jeremiah 29:11-13
Ask: How do these verses give you peace about difficulties in your life?

Some friends and I are going through the book of Mark together and one of the most interesting things to me is the style that Mark tells his story about Jesus.

There’s nothing creative about it. In fact it’s not even eloquent. Mark runs quickly through miracle after miracle straight into the crucifixion without weaving even the slightest bit of metaphor through his story.

It goes a little like this. Step one - Jesus performs a miracle. Step two – the disciples do or say something stupid. Step three – repeat. That cycle continues for the whole book which makes me feel a little bit better about my own hardheadedness.

Anyway, I guess you could say that there is not much use in studying this gospel if you are searching for the deep waters of Biblical theology but the simplicity of reminder is something not to be missed.
What I mean is, sometimes even though you were there, you forget what happened. We need to be reminded occasionally as to not to forget what does not need to be forgotten.

Recently I have had a funk chasing me and I am just getting tired of being me. But after reading through Mark, I think I just need to remind myself of why I am here and would like to share a part of that with you.

- The Lord was always a part of my home growing up but I always kept Him at arms length, more interested in myself. Despite that, I saw His hand for the first time in college.

- Once, my car died for real and I needed to replace the long block in the engine which was going to be a couple thou and I literally had $20 to my name. All of a sudden, an old employer popped up and asked me if I would work for them over the summer. They offered me $10 hour cash, paid for my car repairs on their personal credit card and let me work off the debt. On top of that, they gave me their car to drive while the repairs were getting done.

- Apparently the education system in Texas frowns on you taking out financial aid for 6 years of college and will eventually cut you off. I found that out the hard way and one semester was faced with having to drop out of school with now way to pay. A friend’s family called and wanted to pay the bill no questions asked. They even took me to New York on vacation to celebrate.

- At the tail end of school, I worked on a contract basis for a company called Women of Faith during but never considered working there full time. A few years later, I was juggling 2 jobs to try to make ends meet and needed help. I called a friend on staff at WoF to see if she had any job leads in other companies. That friend I called told me how glad that she was that I called because she was moving and they needed somebody to start in 2 weeks. She was looking for my cell phone number that very moment I called. I had not talked to that girl in almost a year. That job has now affected almost every area of my life.

- I had a friend that wasn’t a Christian and pretty much violently opposed to hearing anything about it. So we never talked about my faith, but about a year into our friendship out of the blue God hijacked my prayer life. I could not pray about anything else and my friend’s soul lay heavy on my heart. So I prayed. The next week she asked me if she could go to church with me – she started asking if she could come to my home group – I gave her a Bible and she read the Old Testament in 1 week – on and on. That girl is a Christian today and her life is completely different, out of nowhere.

Just the facts jack. There are so many more but here are just a few examples of miracle after miracle that God has done in my life. Did you know God is real? My funk may still be chasing me but the simplicity of reminder prompts me to look beyond tomorrow. Be encouraged by your past and take the time to write down your own Mark story. You never know when you might need it to pull you out of the pit.

Read: Psalm 139
Ask: This Psalm was written by David who was named by God, “a man after my own heart”. (Acts 13:22) Despite that call on his life, David lusted after a married woman and had her husband killed so he could be with her. There are some of you who are not encouraged by your past but are shamed by it. How do David’s words in this Psalm make you feel about your past knowing David’s past?

Read: Mark 6:30-44, 8:1-21
Ask: The disciples saw amazing things happen in their time with Jesus but they still seem to doubt his power when faced with trouble. Even when the situation seems exactly the same as in the passages above. How do you react when impossible situations emerge in your life?

Read: Jeremiah 29:11-14
Ask: God reminds us of His ultimate goal for our lives in this passage. Can you see the truth of this scripture in some difficult times in your own life?

I was in Anaheim,CA for a Women of Faith event this weekend and overheard several comments that got me thinking.

“I hope I am able to expend every bit of energy I have for the things I believe in.”

That was how one of our special guests, Nicole C. Mullen, responded to a journalist who asked her if she ever got tired of how much she traveled on top of having a family.

“What should have been a devastating tragedy in my life has put me in a position to lead an amazing prison ministry and more than anything this tragedy makes me lean on my God because I have nothing left personally to give.”

Carol Kent, whose son is prison for 1^st degree murder with no possibility of parole, now co-leads a prison ministry with her son. She was talking to a journalist about the beauty of a broken spirit.

“I’m afraid to marry a woman from the states. They want to get married for themselves, for their own pleasure - not because they want to raise a family. Americans are beautiful people but they are never happy because they are so self-indulgent.”

This last comment is from my Iranian cab driver on the way to the airport. He was talking about how he has lived all over the world and loves to hate Americans because it is frustrating to watch them be so close to happiness and still manage to keep themselves from it.

All of these comments basically reminded me about how life is just not about us but we still struggle to try and make it that way anyway.

Maybe that is why so many of us get divorced. We get married to fill that hole in ourselves with a person but in the end that never works because there is nothing fulfilling about pursuing your own pleasures. Essentially, we just keep one upping ourselves and needing a better toy or relationship to fill our void.

For example, I have a friend that is always putting himself in debt to get another four wheeler, jet ski, boat, house and the list goes on and on because he is bored with his life. I always say that he is just entertaining his eyes until he dies. People! We were meant for something greater than this.

Living your life for your own pleasure will eventually get you to the end of yourself and it is a shorter trip than you think. I was glad for the reminder that life is not about me – especially because I am Christian.

Read: Ephesians 1:11-14
Ask: Salvation is often talked about as a very personal event but is it possible we are not the main for God’s work of salvation? What does this scripture indicate is the final goal of salvation?

Read: Philippians 1:12-26
Ask: As Paul wrote this, he was being imprisoned for preaching the gospel. How would you react in the same situation?

Read: Galatians 6:7-10

Ask: This verse talks about pleasing our own sinful nature and how that leads to destruction. Can you think of a time where that statement was true for you? What does the verse say about our opportunities?

Life is molded by different things for different people. Mine is molded by my interactions with others. People make up my motivation for everything from work to my spare time. Which makes a conversation I recently had all that more confusing.

“I know the superficial stuff about you but I don’t really know you. Will you just let me get to know you?” This was said to me by a guy I’ve known for 14 years. That affected me on several of different levels.

- It’s been a while since the last time anybody asked that of me.
- I can never think of a time that a significant other asked that of me.
- How could my love for people get lost enough for a friend of 14 years not to know me?

Celebrate Recovery has helped me immensely but the best influence it has had is my new found ability to see my own contribution to a situation. In almost every situation that frustrates you, except abuse, you have contributed in some way to the undesirable outcome.

I can hear you screaming now – Not true! So and so is an absolute jerk and I did nothing! Is it possible you are so offended or hurt that you can’t rationally asses that? I digress…

Anyway, it would be easy to say woe is me, nobody understands me or loves me like they should, but CR won’t let me get away with that anymore.

So, how can a person I have been friends with for 14 years know me but not know me. If I was honest about it, I would say that I don’t let people get close enough to help me. Asking for help means that you are dependent on another person and on top of that you have to be vulnerable enough to admit that you don’t know it all. I’m not good at that, so I get close enough to people to help them but not let them help me.

It even comes out in small things. Right now one of my tires needs air and I have this weird fear of putting air in my tires. A visual of me putting too much air in the tire and getting blown to smithereens pops into my head every time and I chicken out. Easy to fix right? Just ask for help. It’s been low for a month now.

"Hello, my name is Nichole and I live on a self imposed island of isolation."

The worst part of all that is that my island is not biblical. All through the New Testament it talks about the first church and the benefits of living in true community.

One of my heart’s desires is to have a good group of friends that I can live life with (mostly dudes as I am up to eyeballs in godly women at work) and have been really frustrated at my ability to find them. Here comes my contribution.

I think I have held my desire away from me at arm’s length because of my inability to be vulnerable. The problem is not that I can’t ask somebody to air up my tire, but the problem is the attitude that would keep me from asking for help with my tire. Nobody is looking for one sided friendships. I am afraid it is infected more of my life than I thought. In case you would disagree with me, talk to my friend of 14 years.

How funny that the path to my heart’s desire starts with a tire. The first step is admitting you have a problem right? So….can somebody help me air up my tire?

Read: Luke 15:11-23
Ask/Journal: Can you think of a time where swallowing your pride lead to a surprising outcome? Can you think of a situation that you are currently that you need to swallow your pride about?

Read: 1 Corinthians 12:12-31
Ask/ Journal: In reading this passage, can you see how God designed our world and relationships to be interdependent? Is there a person in your life that does something for you that you can not? Are you that person for somebody else?

Read: Romans 12:4-8
Ask/Journal: Do you think striving to do it all yourself helps or hurts God’s plan to help other discover their passions?

"The capacity to express vulnerability is a great human strength. We sometimes wish our vulnerabilities would disappear so we wouldn’t have to worry about hiding them. Without these pesky vulnerabilities, we could convince the world that we have it all together, that we have no unsatisfied needs that we can care constantly for others and never need care ourselves.

It is hard to let people see our vulnerable parts — our fears and insecurities, our sadness and shame. To express vulnerability requires courage. Only in exercising this courage, in bravely showing our 'weakness' to another, do we achieve a form of real power — the power to ask for help when needed." - Sarah Parsons, A Clearing Season

I ventured outside of my bubble last night. A close friend invited me to a birthday party out on the town. Just to be clear when I say out on the town, I mean we went to a club, some boys in our group almost got into a fist fight with the bouncer and dudes were coming at me all night with the “Hey, girl - Let me get that number,” stuff that never works. It was interesting.

People just don’t realize how much of their emptiness they wear on the outside with no subtlety to it. Their screams of “Look at me!” and “I am special and unique!” are almost audible and play out in barely covered breasts and indoor sunglasses.

I look at all that and remember myself playing that same role of an “empty on the inside/ will take any kind of attention you give me” girl looking for anything to fill that emptiness and my heart breaks for these people that don’t know I can hear their screams because I understand.

Life is different for me now. I think I am starting to discover my purpose and that emptiness in me is disappearing. If you know me at all these days, you know that rediscovering my God has changed everything for me. The funny thing is that I can look back on my life and see where God was always around just waiting for me to get to the end of myself and try something different.

All that to say, I’m not any better than the people that I met last night who are still searching for stuff to fill their holes – I’m just lucky because the distance between us both is much smaller that you would think.

Last night did not leave me with annoyance but I left with a broken heart from the empty hearts I met. I also have a renewed desire to be around people like that more because maybe they can hear my story and hear hope.

My friend Jennifer has had an introspective week and I think that it is rubbing off on me.

Oh, praise the one who paid my debt and raised this life up from the dead

We sang a song at church this week and the lyrics from the song have kept rolling around in my head long after I left. I love that song more than others because I really understand how close I was to death in my life.

My death was going to be an active one. I wasn’t really going to die you see, I was well on my way to living a life without life. An empty loveless shell of a thing devoid of purpose and direction.

Death to me is being comfortable. You don’t often hear somebody tell their story of hitting rock bottom and them not wondering if there is more to this life than just living and dying. Traumatic circumstances usually produce action. Also, you often hear people talk about having everything they want in the world, finding it unsatisfying and looking for something more. I was headed for a life in between.

Having just enough money to live in the suburbs, drive a moderate car, have a moderate marriage and kids that don’t get in too much trouble is mind numbing. You have enough to keep you from getting desperate but not enough to let you know that the stuff you seek will not fulfill the longing in your heart.

I pray all of the time for God to keep me uncomfortable because it will keep me looking outside of this place for my fulfillment. That is no small thing to pray and it makes me nervous to ask that of God. Just read the book of Job.

I’ve said this before but it is important enough to repeat. I was very much seeking a path that would have led me to the death I described above. I was not looking to find a real God in that life but he was looking for me.

There is a death that is much worse that simply not breathing anymore and it wants us. But the creator of the universe wants me more and that is all that matters.

“Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you.” Psalm 63:3

I consider myself an intelligent person and not easily swayed to become a “joiner” based on group think - except for my ipod purchase - but for some reason I found myself signed up to run in the Susan G. Komen 5K with several of my co-workers.

Let me preface this by telling you that I am not a runner. I only occasionally work out and running ain’t part of the routine. So, I am not sure what I was thinking.

Several of my friends at work had been talking about their recent experience running a ½ marathon and how great it made them feel. It did peak my interest. Now, I only had a month and my intelligence tells me that starting from 0 and working up to running a 5K in a month will be very hard but I confess I wanted to be a joiner. Let me explain why.

I have gone to cheer on friends of mine at races before and if you have never been, I recommend it. There is a whole underground community of runners that know each other and even if you don’t know anybody, there is still the mutual bond of having just ran the race together. Also, the sponsors are usually shelling out all kinds of free goodies in a very festival type atmosphere. When you are there, it is very intoxicating and I admit that I wanted to be a part of that.

So race day kept getting closer and only one thought kept coming up in my mind. What was I thinking? Race day and the phrase impending doom seemed synonymous for a whole month.

The morning of the race my stomach was all fluttery with excitement. We got there with no problems and started running at 8am. Man was it hard. I started praying around mile one.

As I am pouring out my desire to the Lord to be able to run the whole time, I notice that Fergie is yelling in my ears via my cool-according-to-the-world ipod about her lumps and my praying is getting all lost. So I switch over to worship music and it made all of the difference in the world.

I have never felt alive like that before. As I ran, the music reminded me the things that I believe deep in my soul. I became acutely aware of nature around me and how grateful I was to be in it. Another benefit of being a very slow runner in a Susan G. Komen race is that people put who they are running for (in memory of and celebration of) on signs that they pin to their backs. As people passed me I got to be reminded again of how grateful I am that I am alive.

As I got closer to the finish line, people lined the sidewalks cheering me on. “Go runner!” they yelled. “You’re almost there! Keep going!” It felt really great to be a joiner that day. I felt like Maximus in ancient Rome defying his individuality to be called gladiator. That day I had no name, but the crowds acknowledged me as runner.

Also, in case you are wondering, 36 minutes. Pretty dang good for my first 5K I think. I’m not sure why they call them “fun runs” because it was NOT fun, but the experience was worth everything and will keep me coming back for more.

I am what I hate.

My experience with Celebrate Recovery has not been what I thought it would be. I started going to this recovery group because I knew that my issues with my Dad were impeding my growth spiritually and as a person. So went thinking that it would cure me of my daddy issues. Not so.

Actually CR, among other things, really helps you see how you contribute to situations and to view blame in a different way. Relationships and conflict are not black and white entities and fault is better viewed in degrees than “it’s all your fault”. Unless the case deals with abuse inflicted on you by another, than your contribution to unresolved conflict is more than you probably realize.

The first stage of this group is dealing with your denial. Not me, right? Hmmm… It is funny how much you can lie to yourself without ever knowing. How this is playing out for me is the thing that makes me the craziest about my Dad - his over the top control about all things - is something that I share with him.

I have been catching myself recently in the middle of telling my mother how to run her life, trying to push boys into liking me (a really funny and embarrassing story attached to that comment that I might get the guts to share in the future) and trying to make my co-workers operate in the same style as me.

Now to some these things might not seem like emergencies but unchecked what people term as “this is just how I am” turns into habit and that habit can turn into destructive behaviors. Don’t fool yourself. My Dad one day long ago didn’t alienate people the way he does today but he started building these habits somewhere. Today I am seeing the beginning of that road in me and I want more than anything to stop it.

This control is something I share with many generations or men on my Dad’s side of the family and it is not leaving quietly or quickly. I am having a really hard time changing me. How do you will deep seated habits within you to be different? Impossible, without God.

The good news of the gospel of Jesus Christ is that I don’t have to rely on myself to change these things, but the creator of the universe wants to help me in my quest to be more like Him. Also, the other good news is that I am not alone in my frustrations. One of my favorite passages in the Bible is in Romans where Paul is describing my life almost like he knew me. It gives me so much peace to read this and I hope it does the same for you.

Romans 7:14-25
I can anticipate the response that is coming: "I know that all God's commands are spiritual, but I'm not. Isn't this also your experience?" Yes. I'm full of myself—after all, I've spent a long time in sin's prison. What I don't understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise. So if I can't be trusted to figure out what is best for myself and then do it, it becomes obvious that God's command is necessary.

But I need something more! For if I know the law but still can't keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! I realize that I don't have what it takes. I can will it, but I can't do it. I decide to do good, but I don't really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don't result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time.

It happens so regularly that it's predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in God's commands, but it's pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge.

I've tried everything and nothing helps. I'm at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn't that the real question?

The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve God with all my heart and mind, but am pulled by the influence of sin to do something totally different.

I get up everyday around 5:30 or 6 to read and drink coffee. My mornings are always great. I even wish I could get up earlier because I love them so much.

One of my friends quit drinking coffee last week and the way I found out is she literally threw herself on the floor of my cube complaining of nausea and headaches. The only way I could help is sprite, 2 aspirin and a good back rub. As I was nurturing my friend back to health, it occurred to me that I could be in the same position if I tried to quit drinking coffee. So, I decided to find out.

I am now on day two with only one small relapse of a ½ caff vanilla latte last night. Let me tell you, I understand what was happening to my friend. My neck is killing me, I have a constant dull headache and I have this nagging feeling of wanting to go back to bed all the time. Weird. I had no idea my body was this in love with caffeine.

Just for grins I consulted Google on the side effects of consistent caffeine intake. Nervousness, irritability, anxiety, muscle twitching, insomnia and heart palpitations. Hmmm…Here are even some people that are campaigning to have caffeine withdrawal classified as a psychiatric disorder.

Well, at least I know why I am crazy today.




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My favorite prayer is to thank God that this is my life and to ask that those words will move me 50 years from now as much as it does today. Sometimes when I pray that, I can’t stop the grateful tears from streaming down my face.

In case you think I am crazy, I was not looking to find a real God a few years ago but He was looking for me. Through a series of events that I can only explain by attributing it to divine intervention, my life now is so full that I can’t hardly believe that it is mine and this is just the beginning.

I think about this a lot but I thought about it almost every second of this weekend. Some would say that true friendship is hard to come by but I seem to have an overabundance of wonderful people in my life.

I spent the whole weekend knee deep in some thought provoking conversations and some conversations that made my cheeks hurt from laughing so much. I haven’t laughed that much in a long time.

I have seen some pretty amazing things happen over the last year that will not allow me to ever deny the existence of a real God but this weekend reminded me that he cares about all things in my life, including the desire for some really great friends.

So let’s tip our glasses to great friends that make your brain work and your cheeks hurt. If you don’t have friends like this, get out there and get some because it is not worth missing.

We are always trying to draw lines in our lives to create order and stability and use these lines to understand our surroundings. The problem is…life. Life is dynamic and refuses to be dictated by what we think it should be because it includes things that can’t be controlled like people and God.

So back to lines. The biggest problem I have with lines is when we draw them to include and dis-include people in our lives.

The Blasphemy Challenge is a crafty word-of-mouth marketing campaign cooked up by a documentary company that recently released a documentary arguing that Jesus Christ is just a conspiracy and he never actually existed. They promoted this documentary by asking their followers to go on You Tube, record a video of themselves denying God and the Holy Spirit and send it in for a free DVD. So people by the thousands loaded their videos practically daring God to strike them with lightening on the spot. Below are links to some I found the most interesting.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rpS0B11mEBk

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nA1bETsBrl0

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lAeARb1UY6k

So back to lines. After watching those, I am sure that your eyes widened, you shook your head and started drawing some lines in your head about those people when maybe we should be thinking of these people in a different way.

One of my Celebrate Recovery principles is a good reminder to constantly re-evaluate what I think I “know”.

1 Corinthians 10:12
If you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don't fall.

Some common reactions to this video are that the blasphemers had better be afraid of what the Lord thinks about that, you’ll eventually have to answer for that and that of course I am better off with the Lord.

So back to lines. Before you draw lines to define “my circle is holier than your circle”, take a second to make sure you not lukewarm to the things of God which scripture clearly states is worse than denying the Lord on You Tube.

I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth.

Are you a show up to church once a week and nothing else person? How do you spend your time, thoughts and money on a daily basis and does that bring glory to God or does it terminate on yourself?

Maybe instead of pointing fingers, drawing lines and shaking our heads in disappointment for these people, we should wonder why our hearts don’t break for them and get us up off the couch to see if we can’t find some people like them to tell them the truths that have changed our lives.

Also, the reason that I wrote this blog is because finger pointing and line drawing was my first reaction.

My dad and I do not have a good relationship. I understand people by understanding their pasts and I understand why my dad is the way he is. The wonderful man that I know to be my grandpa to be is not the person my dad grew up with and that has very much influenced the man my dad is today. Nevertheless, the less than loving relationship that my father and I shared as a teenager is now plaguing my life as an adult. It comes up at weird times.

My little sister got married recently and I had to do some scripture readings during the ceremony. Which included this phrase…

“Forgive others as I have forgiven you

Snap. I instantly start crying because my father is sitting on the front row. Everybody thinks I am so sweet for being upset over my sister getting married and all I can think of is not right now God. Not a good time to talk about this. The question remains, why am I so upset about my dad?

I am beginning to understand how much a father’s relationship with his daughter will affect her self esteem and her tendency to be co-dependent which is where my self assessment has arrived at after a week off of work alone with my thoughts.

What does co-dependency look like?

- My good feelings about who I am stem from being loved by you
- My mental attention is focused on protecting you.
- My self-esteem is bolstered by solving your problems.
- I am not aware of how I feel.
- I am aware of how you feel.
- The dreams I have for my future are linked to you.
- My fear of rejection determines what I say or do.
- My social circle diminishes as I involve myself with you.
- I put my values aside in order to connect with you.
- The quality of my life is in direct relation to the quality of yours.

I can pretty much insert my ex-boy friend’s name into every you listed above and really I guess my dad as well. This where you end up when you don’t deal with you daddy issues until you are almost 30.

So what is next? Something called celebrate recovery at my church. It is a step program set up like AA. Hopefully it will help but I am worried about what I might dig up. Anyway, here I go. Maybe this will be a year of healing for me after all.

“Hi my name is Nichole and I struggle with co-dependency and low self-esteem”